


Human

by 2BWonkyo



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, Misunderstandings, Post-Break Up, Roommates, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:53:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25582405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2BWonkyo/pseuds/2BWonkyo
Summary: Kihyun once was intimate with Changkyun, but he wants to move on, which results to a major fail.(requested fiction based on the song "human" by Christina Perri.)
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 5
Kudos: 40





	Human

“Kihyun. Which shoes should I wear?” Changkyun drops the two pairs before his crossed legs on the floor towards the kitchen after spending over a good fifteen minutes staring at them.

At the far end of the corridor separating them, Kihyun looks at the younger in his room, crouched in front of his mirror. He has always cared about his appearance, however he has never been the type of person to check himself in the mirror too much. _People change growing up, it seems._

“The purple ones are ugly,” Kihyun says and goes back to read his damaged English book next to his cup of coffee, light up by the sun rising, rays going through the window against his shoulder. He only gets the time to find the last line where he stopped reading that he hears a scoff, followed by the consecutive sounds of the lower rubber parts of shoes being thrown somewhere on the floor.

“You say that because it’s my favorite color. Just to annoy you, I’m gonna put them on.” Changkyun ends calmly by acting, tying his laces. The silence settling again reminds Kihyun of how cold the room is in this last January, and even though he is sticking up to the heating under the window, warming up his legs since seven in the morning, Kihyun shivers, shaking his shoulders up quickly. He wants to turn his head to where he saw Changkyun stand up at the corner of his field of vision and answer how he in fact, said it for nuisance purposes, but a sneeze catches him up, forcing him to close his eyelids tightly. A rather loud “achoo” resonates in the apartment, probably the whole building and the time stops a minute. Kihyun drops his shoulders and hand, that got up to hide his nose an instant before the explosion.

 _A cold. All I needed._ The boy sighs loudly as he puts his chin on his palm, concentrating on his lesson again. Ignoring the eyes piercing his entire being. Tongue bitten.

“Hey, I’ll be back really late tonight, let the door open.” Kihyun actually turns his head this time, eyebrows raised. A few days ago, the other indeed precised he was going out with his crush on this Saturday morning, but only for lunch. Yet when he sees Changkyun not looking back at him and putting on his coat, not ready to give any sort of explanation, Kihyun lets it go. They don’t have this close friendship most of roommates have, so it is nothing surprising. _The longer the further, the better._

“Yeah.” he answers after the main door closes quickly, letting the student work alone between headaches, shivers and sneezing. A virus growing. _Can’t help it if the room is so much colder than usual at night._

Changkyun breathes. The fresh air coming from the high gray sky taking over his lungs. His flat has this stuffy odor he always hated. If it wasn’t for money, he would move out for a bigger and cleaner one. And _alone_. He doesn’t hate Kihyun, that is a harsh word. He simply wants to meet people, have a new healthy relationship and say goodbye to his stressful everyday life. So he leaves running to the bus station, to his destination. Taking off the itching scarf around his neck, keeping it on a shoulder. There, his favorite black haired troublemaker welcomes him with an unexpected chaste kiss, telling him that he should get rid of this piece of clothe if it is as uncomfortable as he claims it to be. “It’s pretty. And it’s purple.” he answers each time. This morning, Changkyun gets kissed 4 times. Warm, but still not enough to soften his cracked lips. That’s why he prefers to keep this itchy scarf around his neck, hiding the mess.

Trying to keep it unspoiled not to ruin the good day.

Unlike Kihyun, who was already on the other way around. What happened to be sneezing in the morning turned into a red, running and irritated nose with dry eyes and a cough. He felt tired the previous night, but he didn’t expect do be sick. The blond haired gets up weakly, seeking for medicine for the second time. He searched in a rush a few hours ago, too focused on his lessons to put much efforts into it. Despite the will, not a single drawer has what he needs. Kihyun breathes in hard, putting his empty third cup of coffee in the sink. He should calm himself down or a tear would come out. Not from sadness; tiredness. He was working so hard for his exams next week, so so hard, in spite of the lack of support from his roommates, classmates (themselves too focus on their studies) or his family, that already have too many money problems to focus on their graduating son. Falling sick is the final straw on this much stress. He considers giving up for today, going to sleep since he is too weak to go out buy medicine or worse, keep studying. Letting luck and talent to their duties and hope the last weeks’ hard work would be enough to keep good grades. He thinks about it, pondering the idea while filling himself a large glass of water, that he gulps down. Hydrated, he realizes; there is no such thing as _luck_.

And Changkyun would agree. _There’s only one person_ , he mentally cried out in joy. _I’ll be quick._ Little did he know the man has a really bad stutter, making his purchase incredibly long. After going around with his roommate’s germs all day long, he found himself coughing as well. The evening ending short, he is dying to finally come back home, even though it is earlier than expected. He would take some medicine and go to sleep in warm blankets. Freezing, he hurries to his apartment, only a few streets away from the local drugstore, steps cracking on the rotten stairs. A smirk crosses his lips once he reaches the good doorstep, the number “7” as a sign next to the bell. He immediately opens the door and sighs. His home isn’t heated enough, yet it would never be as cold as the stairwell.

A finger sunk in the collar of his shoe to put it off once in the entrance hall, Changkyun stops in the act, holding his weight on the wall with an opened hand not to fall. Until there he didn’t care of the noise he could make, since his watch doesn’t show any late hour. 8pm. It isn’t that late. Kihyun should be studying, so into it that he wouldn’t even glance at his chaotic roommate. He should be frowning, so focus his eyebrows could get stuck together by the cold. Not slouched on his chair, deeply sleeping with a fist against his cheek and a pen still in the lose fingers of the other hand, resting on a book. The sight makes Changkyun snort, tightening his jaw. Kihyun would be mad if he sees him laugh. He ignores it. Tonight, he would take his medicine, a shower, and call the sandman. And he actually manages to follow his plan smoothly, cozy in his oversized sweater. But he has to see him. Sleeping on the table, head between his arms, almost like he didn’t stand up since Changkyun left the building at nine in the morning. Half a day ago. All the boy can see is a tuft of blond hair, tousled and forming a cowlick standing up right. A voice pulling his ears tempts him to go there and crush it, run his hand through this damaged hair. Long time passed since he last did, consequences showing up just behind. _Kihyun doesn’t like being touched by people he isn't close with._

This rebellious strand of hair mocks him, yelling how both of them haven’t change at all, in the end. This is ridiculous. And he got used to it. Changkyun resists and doesn’t touch it, going to sleep after leaving his coat on the older’s back, to ease his conscience.

**“Hey, Joo. lemme drop by?”**

**“the fuck. Stay at home it’s night and minus a thousand outside”**

Kihyun woke up on the kitchen’s small table, asleep on his book. He ignores when did he fall asleep, but the thought of continue working can’t get in his head. He wants fresh air, to leave the house. So he does as soon as he opens his eyes, an hour before midnight. At first, he intended to contact Changkyun of his absence, letting the door opened despite both of them being absent. _There’s nothing to steal in that shithole anyway_. A message is already waiting for him though.

**“u got me sick too so I dashed to the drugstore real quick. the pills are in the bathroom lemme some n dont forget to thank me trmw I like sharing ;)”**

Kihyun serves himself and leaves. He won’t thank him, tomorrow. _Because it still hurts._

“’Got hospitalized?”

“Nah, why?”

“You look like a truck ran over you.” Kihyun falsely scoffs, not in the mood for jokes. He sits on the couch, where his friend brings him a cup of coffee, a fourth. A weak “thanks” crosses his lips as he inhales the odor, wakening his senses. That feels good.

“I’ve got medicine, if you want.”

“It’s okay, Changkyun got me some already.” Ah. Kihyun immediately stops his hands that approached the cup to his lounging throat, realizing his mistake. _Wrong sentence._

“Oh?” _Here we go._

“Forget that.” He drinks, letting the heat soothe his body. Jooheon, the younger black haired sat next to him and craving for explanation, added more milk than he usually puts in his drinks when Kihyun would take the time to pay him a visit. But it isn’t that bad. Sour taste during a cold wouldn’t be welcomed anyway.

“You two are talking now! The progress!” Jooheon exclaims, making himself comfortable in the couch, a wide smile on the face. Like he is happier than the concerned ones about the situation. “And so?”

Kihyun looks at him, hunched under the soft blanket upon his legs. “And so what?” He knows what is coming.

“I mean,” Jooheon rubs the tip of his nose with his forefinger, a self-control habit of his. Meaning he was searching for the good words, and his friend is thankful for that. “Not everyone keep living with their ex after a break up.”

Kihyun looks away from the younger, taking his words back. _Not caring at all._ “Money purposes, Jooheon.” he reminds himself as well. “Money purposes.”

“Look, I get that it must be difficult for you, but honestly, you both are being childish.”

“Don’t judge something you never experienced yourself.” Kihyun whispers, managing to keep his cool. He is too tired to pretend to be mad by now. “It happened 3 months ago already and the school year ends mid February. In two weeks. Couldn’t have found another roommate.”

The other tries to get some words from him again, in vain. They cut the conversation short. Memories are still fresh in Kihyun’s mind, and even if he moved on, he prefers not to talking about it. His mind, however, isn’t easy to keep under the same reasoning. Changkyun. A boy he met in high school, the clumsy and funny classmate everyone loved. He had weird vibes yet lovable. Too lovable. At that time, They happened to share some friends and in a blink of eye, their circles mixed, meeting for their homework sessions and going out to eat. The first time they found themselves alone together was at an arcade one night after a friend ditched them last minute. They didn’t postpone it, having fun instead. The strangest point: they matched surprisingly well. Different personalities, but same cringey jokes and interests.

Changkyun was the first to confess. The scene wasn’t worth any movie, awkward and potential wasted, but Kihyun keeps a good memory of it. Half a dozen of people – classmates he doesn’t talk to anymore – were having a good time with them at a local and typical Korean restaurant. Lot of talking all over the place and a bit of alcohol appeared to be too much for their sanity. A question leading another, Changkyun admitted his bisexuality, which didn’t surprise Kihyun’s drunk self. He wished that the boy was reciprocating his feelings to the point that drinks made him believe it was the case. And he was right. Kihyun remembers the scene, word for word.

“Are you interested in someone?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh! Girl or boy?”

“Boy.”

“Who?”

That whole interaction between some guy and Changkyun with him staring right at Kihyun’s frozen eyes, mesmerized. A glass filled with an unknown golden liquid on his lips and not looking away from the older at the opposite side of the table a single second. Which hadn’t gone unnoticed.

“Kihyun?”

“Yeah.” He said it naturally, like a truth he didn’t even want to consider lying about. Kihyun remembers having closed his mouth, previously hanging opened in ignorance. And he glanced at his friends, blinking to finally wake up from his trance. The private room suddenly fell silent, smiles hidden behind hands appearing. Changkyun just confessed. And everyone was waiting for Kihyun’s answer.

An adrenaline rush crossed his body as he felt his heart beat hard against his ribs. “E-Eh what?” he asked with a broken voice – he got teased about it a lot after... After his answer to the following question.

“Wanna go out with me?” Changkyun asked. In the meantime of Kihyun’s panic, he put his glass back on the wooden table and bit his lips, lowering his head to hide behind his black cap (that he always kept inside, strangely.) His sincerity showed by his shyness so Kihyun didn’t think.

“Yeah.” He nodded. The silence only came back an hour later when the dinner was over. Their friends yelled until the moon rose in the sky, unable to believe to whatever they assisted to. The two lovebirds exchanged timid glances times to times, smiling each time without fail, the teenagers they were enjoying their clumsy but cute innocent inexperience. Thankfully, they managed to escape from there, and then Kihyun can cry as the past images flash before his eyes again. That night, outside, under the quiet stars, Changkyun asked him if he meant it with that low voice he loves so much. He nodded again.

“Kihyun, I don’t want any misunderstanding… I love you.” The broken words seemed to hurt, forcefully said. “I know I joke around a lot, but this is not an inside joke or whatever stupid shit I my drunkard self could think of.”

A silence lasted enough time for them to stare into each other’s brown eyes. Full of stars. “I’m serious.” Kihyun mumbled an inaudible “I know,” and that was it, he hadn’t been able to hide his smile, so happy all of this was true. Unlike most romance novels would want it, they didn’t kiss, but hugged. Too unsure. Too hesitant. Too shaken.

They got comfortable with time, especially when both searched for an apartment as they went to different universities but close from one another. The basic roommates experience turned into the very young start of their couple-living-together life, with the whole package; heated sex at night. They were the closest version of intimate.

So close that their friends can’t stop wondering how come Changkyun stopped stuttering those “baby” in Kihyun’s ears when he is sad, stressed, sick, and simply calling him, or how come Kihyun doesn’t put his hand on Changkyun’s thighs anymore. Doesn’t wear the boy’s cozy sweaters anymore. Doesn’t cut his hair anymore. Doesn’t cuddle him at night anymore. Doesn’t kiss his temple anymore. Doesn’t hold his hand anymore.

Doesn’t exchange silent but sincere “I love you”s anymore.

Everything resurfaces from their kisses and heated love sessions to their casual arguments. Their conversations, touches, blushes, smiles, hugs, laughs, and cries. Kihyun wants to forget it all – this period of his life that now only brings pain – and sleep forever if he could. In a few hours, Changkyun would wake up in a house without Kihyun curling up on this old chair next to the heating, and it was better that way. The tables have turned. They weren’t meant for each other since the beginning.

Kihyun watches the sky, pelting with rain. It has been crying for a week now, silently encouraging him. He always found it relaxing in a way. Nothing can make him feel better at this moment, in front of his multiple-choice questionnaires. The ones that will determine his future; either he continues university, either his student life ends. That is being the worst scenario. But to be honest, Kihyun is confident, finding answers easy to find. His efforts and hard work throughout the year are paying off.

And Changkyun was right, pushing himself until the last day until exams would’ve only tired him. “You’re clearly not in condition to work right now, go to sleep or you’ll be so exhausted on Monday that you won’t be able to concentrate.” He said after Kihyun came back to their flat yesterday, around two in the afternoon. Jooheon is a good friend, he let him stay to sleep at his studio (way smaller than his, they had to cuddle on the single bed.) He even cooked for them both, an appreciated attention. Thinking about it, Changkyun never cooked for him. Or anything basic friends would do. Their relationship lasted a year. It took Kihyun a year to realize how toxic the younger was. Only seeing the good in him, his bad attitude judged as “cute”. Kihyun insults himself everyday when he sees the ceiling waking up. Moving in that apartment was a big mistake. _I was stupid enough to stoop this low._

The 2020 year started a few weeks ago, and Kihyun is ready to graduate, have new friends, move on, just take a new start. Or so he thought. Days pass and after Jooheon mentioned it, he became aware of how communication with Changkyun has been improving slowly. They broke up recently on last October, 3 months ago. They went from being unnecessarily mean to ignoring each other, then talking time to times, only when it feels needed. Like those “let the door open,” or “I’m going to the grocery store, need anything?” and it stops there. At least, they’re talking. Maybe in a few years, they will be friends again, at best. Kihyun rolls his eyes at this glimmer of hope though. There is nothing to save from the relationship.

That’s why he threw away the “fighting! :3” note on the coffee maker this morning. Changkyun ruined their bond. He doesn’t have the right to be hypocritical. So trying to repair a broken glass is a waste of time, and Kihyun won’t fall for his tricks again. If he does have something to feel, then it would be disgust, as Changkyun keeps writing cute notes every single day from Monday to Friday. As tiring as it already is, the Kihyun doesn’t come to him. Arguments during such a stressing week would be much more that he can handle.

The major point that makes their relationship turn is this particular quoted Friday. It is the last day of his exam week and last day of their collocation. Results coming next week, Kihyun will pack his clothes and come back home to his parents for the holidays. In a month, at the start of the next school year, he will have another apartment, with another roommate. No more Changkyun. He will never see his grins ever again. Before a scrap of nostalgia catch him, Kihyun takes upon himself, angry as he reads the note. “One day left. You did well~” _Hypocrite_.

Somewhere in his bag, he picks a red marker he bought but never uses and tears a piece of paper from a notebook, writing these harsh words he couldn’t say out loud. Then he leaves for the few tests remaining. Kihyun hasn’t seen Changkyun’s face since Sunday, each to their respective school during the day and in their room at night. If it isn’t for the shower’s running water sound around 9pm, Kihyun would believe he lives alone. Not that he will complain.

_It’s nice to be far from Im Changkyun. I’m feeling good._

“How. Just how can you be so serene?”

“I’m not serene, I’m excited.”

“You should be sad.”

“I’ll cut ties with you if you keep talking like this,” Kihyun warns his friend, pointing him with his chopsticks.

A surprised scoff follows. “That was rude.” The lack of any humor tone in voice makes him stop chewing, relieved to be taken seriously.

“Its annoying how you keep acting like we’re still going out. Him and me, it’s over, get over it.” when Hyungwon suggested eating together at lunch as a goodbye before the holidays, Kihyun accepted on impulse, happy to have company. _But of course he has to bring that._

The tall haughty looking boy scratches his scalp, sighing. “Recall me the reason you two broke up again? If it can be called a break up...”

Kihyun abandons his favorite meal, anger growing. A knot in the throat makes a poor attempt to prevent him from groaning. It doesn’t work. “You know that I’m human, right? I gave everything to the type of person that was pushing me ‘til I fall and bleed but he just managed to make me think it was gentle caresses on the back. And I got tired.”

Hyungwon puckers his lips, hesitating to say whatever his mind is immersed in. “The thing is that you fell by yourself, it really was caresses on the back.”

“Never asked for your opinion, fuck off.” Kihyun stands up and notices the bin a few meters apart from their table. His so lovely chicken won’t be eaten today. Hyungwon comes behind, catching hold of his shoulder. Not to stop him, argue or literally anything that could ruin his day more, just to reassure him, a silent apology. Deep down, Kihyun hurts. He never understood how Changkyun found him cute enough to fall for him when the concerned one doesn’t see anything in himself in the first place. _Except from a dishonest wimp._ So as hard as it is to convince himself, Kihyun wants to believe it. That these past months are a stupidly long April fool and the cheesy relationship he had with his stupid roommate never broke.

He misses those precious moments of complicity he never had with anyone else. This feeling to be the most important person to some eyes. His friends that bring up this subject over and over again worsens his mood. On reflection, he isn’t blind, or overly foolish. He knows it won’t come back. At least, not with Im Changkyun.

Once back during the evening, he acts fast. He had the chance to end his test earlier thanks to his good knowledge and won’t miss out on this occasion to leave without having to face his roommate. _Rather, ex-roommate. Ex-friend and ex-boyfriend. Ex-so-many-thing. Just not part of his life anymore._

Around 6pm, he worries he won’t make it. Exams never go over this precise hour, meaning the door can open at any moment. So he hurries, packs his clothes in his suitcase. He didn’t even take off his coat on the way. As for the coffee maker, its size makes it hard to carry around. Besides, too many repulsive notes got pasted on it. Too bad for his wallet, he will buy another one. Beyond useful now.

Kihyun hates to admit it, but a tiny part of him kind of hoped they had a goodbye worthy of their relationship. To end in good therms, to say _their_ moments weren’t a waste of time. Changkyun doesn’t contact him once outside that apartment that isn’t his anymore, nor once in the train. And he hates it. He hates the hole in his heart, screaming to be filled again.

Thin-skinned, he hears the train driver announce the departure. He doesn’t care if the passengers glare at him when he kicks the empty seat in front of him. He has to express his frustration and ease off the pressure that nothing happened like he wanted to in order to make a fresh start.

With a shaking hand, he takes his cellphone out his pocket and scrolls through his contacts, finding Changkyun’s, that he blocks. On usual night rides, Kihyun likes to watch the stars. Tonight, he only watches the ground, hiding his sadness under his hood.

_It’s over. But there’s still a long way to go…_

“Excuse me, what?”

“You heard me.”

“Yeah, but repeat.”

“I’m dating Min.” Kihyun can’t comprehend it. _It doesn’t make sens._

Holidays began 5 days ago, but his parents being too old to entertain him, he called Jooheon for a breakfast at a bar non far. He needs to take care of his social life, the other apparently doing better than him, getting a boyfriend in the meantime. Min, also known as Lee Minhyuk, was Changkyun’s new boyfriend, as far as he is aware. Kihyun only has one conclusion; _the abyss is so deep._

“You’re poly?” Jooheon slurps a second, chocking on his orange juice he so proudly ordered with the English accent he has been working on lately. That guy is a new species on his own, bringing joy everywhere he goes. Kihyun can’t be more curious to know his lifestyle. _So interesting._

“How the fuck did you come to that?!” Ah. _Theory refuted._

“You’re not poly?”

“No?!”

“Ah okay.” Kihyun nods, biting his inner cheek. “Would’ve been really weird if you dated my ex.” he snorts.

The boy takes a sip of his hot coffee to appreciate the heat. _February is so cold, it should be deleted of the calendar._ Interrupting his thoughts, he sees Jooheon make a confused face, a million words crashing in that brain. “How- why is Changkyun in this conversation? I won’t date him, even in hell.”

“Glad we’re on the same page.” Kihyun ignores half of the sentence on purpose, adjusting his purple scarf around his neck. _That thing is old, I’ll ask mom to wash it later._

“No, seriously, Ki, what was that?” Jooheon asks and the older sighs. He can’t avoid his questions forever.

“Well, Changkyun was dating Minhyuk, so I guess he got dumped again. Serves him right.” A silence settles as Kihyun uses it to clear his throat and check the time on his phone. 11am. He quickly finishes drinking; he promised to his mother that he will help her to make lunch. She missed her son, she said lovingly when he came back. Kihyun smiles remembering it, she is so sweet.

“But they never dated.” Jooheon says with a husky voice. Looking like his dog got ran over. _He doesn’t have a dog though._

“For once, I can say that news don’t travel fast enough, then.”

“No, seriously, who said that crap to you?”

“Nobody, I saw it by myself. And Changkyun called him ‘his crush’ so ugh.”

“First of all, did you get brainwashed? These two are the craziest persons we ever met, they can’t stand still a single minute and I’m right, don’t come at me for that. Of course that’s a joke.”

“Why are we even talking about it...” _I really should get going, mom’s waiting._

“Because it’s about you and Changkyun?”

“When will y’all understand there’s nothing between us anymore? Anyway, I’m leaving. I had a nice time, see you soon. Oh and hope your relationship will last long, congrats.” Kihyun stands up, opening his leather bag to put a bill on the bar.

Just when he thinks he can run away, he gets hold back. “Hell no, let me finish. Bring your ass back on the chair, I'm not over.”

“Jooheon, I’ve got things to do.”

“Don’t care,” the black haired takes his forearm tightly to make him sit again, and Kihyun doesn’t fight against him, looking at the ceiling to pretend he is not listening. “You’re not the same since you two broke up and I don’t like that.” Jooheon lets go, crossing his arms on the table as he blinks, worried.

“And you think I do?” Kihyun finally lowers his gaze, a serious aura sucking him up. Unintentionally agreeing.

“No- Listen, I don’t recognize my best friend, honestly. You never told anyone what happened exactly, saying he stressed you… you loved him so much, Ki,” he whispered the last past, twisting the knife in the wound. It hurts and Kihyun has to bite his lips to hold in, staring at the bill that waits for the waiter. “You can’t forget him like that. I know it and you do, too.”

Maybe, _maybe_ , he can open up a little. “I didn’t want to break up, you know.” Hearing how weak his own sentence sounded, Kihyun wants to end this already and leave right then, unable to bear any more. But he doesn’t. A little pain got off his shoulder, now dragging along the whole burden. “I just asked for a break... Some distancing so I could breathe. He was distracting me during exams, and my grades w-weren’t as good… I think I got too harsh on him… B-But-”

“What did you say?” Jooheon asks lightly, and Kihyun is compliant.

“I don’t really remember… Things like ‘go away’, ‘leave far from me’, I don’t know!” Anger grows in himself, but it isn’t towards Jooheon. Only himself. “After a week, my exams were over so I wanted to talk to him again, and apology, but when I came back he was with Minhyuk, all comfortable playing games and they fucking kissed! It didn’t seem like it was the first time they did it, I felt so betrayed!” Lifting his hand to wipe his nose, Kihyun notices his eyes were filled with tears impatient to come out as some customers glance at him not so discretely. All of the sudden, the so cold cafe feels hot, its air stifling. If his legs didn’t give up on him, shaking like leaves, he would’ve stood up and left already.

Breathless, Kihyun hides his face with his palms, elbows on the table. He doesn’t catch Jooheon standing up, putting a hand on his back. “We’re leaving.” he speaks very softly, helping his friend to find the strength of his legs and walk towards the exit. Thankfully, the freezing weather pushed people to stay behind their windows, which explains why not a soul walks around. Giving free reins to Jooheon, who takes Kihyun in his arms like he never did. Pointing out the speed at which he did it, the absence or presence of the crowd doesn’t seem to actually matter. At this moment, he is just a boy helping another boy having a break down. In silence, he pats Kihyun’s head, who cries harder in the crook oh his neck, feeling more at ease now hidden. Despite his big brother act, Jooheon stays in shock. He hopes that this is a bad misunderstanding, struggling to believe Minhyuk and Changkyun betrayed Kihyun. Both have a similar personalities, playing dirty tricks times to times, but until there, nothing that could intentionally _break a heart._ So Jooheon hugs Kihyun harder, seeking some comfort as well under the snow. He fears the worst but still hopes they got it all wrong. Because the funny, joyful and kind Changkyun they know isn’t a cheater.

Kihyun was too stuck in a daze to fully understand what Jooheon told him before escorting him to his doorstep. He is now cooking with his mother, who asked him if he was okay due to his strange attitude. He usually isn’t so quiet. So even though he told her he was okay, he drops the knife on the counter top, excuses himself, claiming he doesn’t feel well. He receives a gentle stroke on the back, which gets a smile out of him, and dashes to his teenage room to let himself fall on the bed, headfirst.

“Talk to him.” basically resumes Jooheon’s speech. _Why for?_ With time, Kihyun has returned to senses. He wasn’t good enough, still isn’t and will never be. Minhyuk owns good points where Kihyun lacks. Funnier, prettier, more outgoing, ambitious, cute, kind and caring. There is nothing surprising in Changkyun’s choice. After all, he could’ve seen it coming. _So why texting?_

He hesitates, staring at his phone for what feels like the longest minute of his life. Until he sits up, unlocking the device. He honestly isn’t waiting for anything, not to be disappointed. That isn’t so hard to do, unblocking the number, ready to tap on the call button. He has no idea what to say, but he already sees himself press the cellphone to his ear and stay silent, welcoming whatever the other will say. A nasty feeling engulfs his heart when he imagines different scenarios. If after Kihyun left their previously shared apartment without saying a word, Changkyun only responds by “what do you want?” he’d hang up and help his mom cook again. He doesn’t want to shed any more tear for him. If Changkyun moved on, he will too.

No. _He already has._ He just wants an explanation.

So he presses the button, laying on the bed on his back, watching the ceiling as he puts the phone on his ear. By the way, he notes how he misses his old ceiling. This one reflects light too much. A beeping sound echoes, telling him to focus. Only a few but enough to make his heart beat fast, worry and doubt blooming. He wants to hang up and pretend it didn’t happen so badly that he has to tighten his grip on the device to control himself.

Then it’s over. Silence.

A deep voice calling his name. “Kihyun?”

He feels his pupils quiver, though he doesn’t open his mouth. _It’s been so long._

“Kihyun, are you there? Answer, it’s not funny.” Changkyun asked, with his powerful concerned voice. If they were fake, why is he still acting sweet?

“I’m there.” He only answers, still staring at the ceiling without a blink, drearily.

“Are you okay?” Only then, Kihyun needs to shake his lids. Out of every word, every sentence, every question, he hears this one. Where is the “what do you want?” or “why are you calling?” he prepared himself for? It shouldn’t be so easy.

“Yeah.” He answers bluntly.

The other mumbles some nonsense, showing how unprepared he is for the unexpected call before fathering himself. “Listen, I don’t understand you anymore, what did you call? And what did you mean? With the note?”

Kihyun breathes in. He forgot the note he let on his coffee maker on Friday. Leaving everything behind. He remembers. Still, pretends not to. “What note?”

He wants to be sure they talk about the same point. For the first time in months.

“Your “let me alone, cheater.” What did it mean?”

Hearing the word coming from Changkyun’s mouth hurts more than he thought it would. Kihyun bits his lips, feeling like crying a second time today. Like Changkyun admitted his crime, responsible of his pain. Yet doesn’t sound guilty. It hurts the most to have the confirmation that he was the only one in pain all this time.

“I was just pissed at your support messages.” Kihyun admits, passing the important part.

_Stop trying to be kind… I don’t wanna fall again._

“But I never cheated on you.”

The voice cracks because of some bad network, a hollow and wheezy sound growling behind. Annoying but allowing Kihyun to withdraw from the situation he has to confront. He can be strong enough to hear there are billions of better persons than him out there, so he couldn’t be number one in a heart for too long, but to be lied in cold blood, _that’s where the limit’s drawn._

Kihyun is thankful they were having this conversation over a broken device. He doesn’t have to face the devil. “Yeah, and I never slept with Jooheon.” He wants to give Changkyun a taste of his own medicine, for once. Uncaring of the consequences. He doesn’t know what’s bitten him, or if it even is fair to Jooheon, his so respectful best friend, but all he knows is that he craves for _revenge_.

“What?” Changkyun must have not discerned the sarcasm.

“Why are you so surprised?” he laughs, a tone so mean he almost persuades himself. There is no way he could have experienced any romantic or sexual intercourse with Jooheon, but he will stick to this, now.

“No- I mean… Since when?”

“I don’t know. And it’s not your business anyway.”

A pause. “Kihyun,” even after months, his voice still is able to make him shiver. His name softly whispered in his ear was something he used to be gifted every morning. _He won’t say he misses it._ “It don’t know if… you got in trouble, or had problems with your family, if you were in a mental distress and I didn’t notice or if you just fell out of love with me, at this point, I don’t know… But please, please… tell me.”

Changkyun sounds genuine and Kihyun hates it. He shouldn’t break down, yet he raises his free hand to rub his irritated eyes. “So we’re talking about it.”

“And I regret doing it so late. Seriously, tell me what got into you? Back then...”

What got into him? _Stress_. Kihyun remembers being so obsessed with his grades due to school pressure and his parents’ high expectations. It weren’t uncommon for him to ask for some days alone, as social anxiety increased. And if these usual periods were hard for him, they were for his lover too. Changkyun wanted to reassure him silently, cuddle him, take a bath with him, share chaste temple kisses, slide his arms around his neck by inadvertence when he learns his lessons, simply do everything to relax him (but no cooking as they didn’t want the kitchen to burn.) But it had the complete opposite effect. Kihyun could see his negative mind influence the younger, how the latter was secretly lonely and sad, his worry spreading. He didn’t like that, but couldn’t do anything about it. They drove each other down.

He is more than aware Changkyun never was the problem. _Kihyun was._ Until Changkyun got so lonely he went to seek affection somewhere else. In some other arms. That was when Kihyun wasn’t the culprit anymore.

By the time a sigh was heard on the line, Kihyun realizes he got lost in his thoughts again. “Did you… Did you cheat on me?” Weirdly, Changkyun is the one in this discussion to ask, trying to answer his own questions.

 _No._ Is what Kihyun wants to say. Everything is Changkyun’s fault, he should be the one asking for explanation. He should be mad. Then he feels it, the heavy tear digging his cheek. The cruel truth being, they may have broke up, he doesn’t get any happier. “It hurts, right?” Pain submerges him, like he resurfaces after drowning. His throat tightens, letting no space for air. Kihyun closes his eyes and hides his mouth with a hand; the next time he moves his lips, a pitiful sob will choke him. _Revenge, which revenge?_ The question was for himself, because it really hurts, but Changkyun doesn’t have to know.

He won’t calm down in the following seconds, so he hangs up. _He can’t do this._ The worst probably is that he won’t hear or read an answer, as he throws his phone on the floor. _It’s broken anyway._ That day, he lets go of everything his heart holds, before he turns on the faucet of his room’s linked bathroom, going for a 10 steps skin care routine in the middle of the day to hide his teary cheeks. And again, to act like he always led a peaceful life.

A soft and caring love waterfall, or a messy and loud erupting volcano. That was what sex meant. Making love no matter how. In any position, anywhere. Against the kitchen counter, or on the bed’s sheets before sleeping, or else in the shower. The latter being the less comfortable but where Kihyun could moan thanks to the loud enough water plopping on the shower tray. The neighbors never liked whenever the lovebirds would get intimate, and they respected that. Despite this undesirable aspect, Kihyun was only a young human being needing a stress reliever and above all, atrociously in love. He loved to see his thighs full of love bites, to touch this cheek painted of healed acne scars, to whisper his favorite pet names until he got kissed for talking too much, to feel dark painted nails grab his hair locks while a hard length hit his prostate over and over again under twisted and breathless _I love yous._

Too much information, but it portrays the intimacy of the act. Or at least, that is how Kihyun thinks sex is. As his first and only partner he ever had was Changkyun.

So right there, in front of his parents’ door, is a Lee Jooheon with the most disturbed expression Kihyun has ever seen that just asked him why did he lie about their claimed “sexual” bond. First, he should’ve anticipated Changkyun’s fortune teller side. Second, he should have taken Jooheon’s relationship with Minhyuk more seriously.

“That was a mistake.”

“How could’ve a long ass “I had sex with Jooheon” accidentally slipped off your tongue, huh? Tell me.” _Really seriously._ Because it appears to be important enough to make his usually-smiling-to-killing-dimples-bestfriend mad.

“That’s… not really how I said it but...”

“Cut your shit. Time goes by and you keep lying, if you want to ruin your life then go! But don’t fucking involve me!”

Kihyun went too far and is now well aware of the weight words can hold. He hurt his friend, surely caused an argument. Nothing to be proud of. “I’m sorry...” He lowers his eyes, heat spreading to his ears.

“Minhyuk thinks I’m the kind of person to fuck my best friend when he’s in a relationship, thanks…” Jooheon mumbled, stepping back. “I wanted to ask why did you say that but I know. You told me Changkyun cheated on you, he said he didn’t and then you come and say you did, can’t you act like the adults you are and be honest for a minute?”

Kihyun stays silent, the pain in his heart coming back. The feeling overwhelms him slowly. “I don’t want to know the truth… I’m trying to forget him, I’m really trying, but I can’t! He’s always constantly in my mind and I can’t control it, I’m going crazy. So let me believe I’m the one who broke up because otherwise it hurts too much!”

“Kihyun, what’s wrong?” His mother appears behind him, reminding him this is nor the place to have such a conversation, nor the moment. Kihyun is tired, he wants to leave and move in an igloo at the other side of the world where nobody could hurt him. There, was his social anxiety talking.

When he mumbles a “nothing” to the old woman, Kihyun pushes the door close to end his daily pain dose. A hand prevents him to do so, gripping his wrist.

“Ma’am, I’m taking your son!” Jooheon leaves the porch, taking the older with him without asking for his opinion.

Confused, Kihyun almost trips up, led to a car. “Jooheon… ! What are you doing?!”

The black haired opened the car door, taping his back. “Just go in, you’ll explain yourself.”

“W-What-” once in it, a slam surprises Kihyun, who jumps in the seat he got forced to sit on. “Where are we going?” None of his questions gets an answer when the engine growl, a step on the gas. He knows. They are on their way to resolve his relationship with Changkyun, for the better or the worst, and he isn’t ready, body shaking, stressed from his toes to his lips. It may be the cold’s work, Kihyun doesn’t care, all his attention focused on his heart skipping a beat each time the vehicle stops off at a red light. He prays for the ride to never end.

But of course it does. Somewhere he doesn’t recognize, a silver plate on the garden’s low wall. The Im family’s residence. A bunch of greenery welcomes them, but he ignores it. Kihyun hesitates to walk on the stone path, on the verge of sweating in mid-February. If Jooheon currently despises the cowardice swallowing him, he doesn’t speak a word about it.

A teenage girl with her fringe in a roller opens the door to welcome them, looking bored and uncaring about their visit. She looks no older than 18, so Kihyun guesses this is Changkyun’s younger sister. By her behavior, she already met Jooheon, for sure. “Oh, didn’t know Chang waited for more friends.” she said.

“A last minute decision, sorry.” Jooheon comes in, his friend behind, very quiet. Still, he bows out of courtesy, a move returned.

“It’s okay. There’s Minhyuk oppa too. You know where the bedroom is.” The girl disappears to the supposed living room.

This time, Kihyun doesn’t follow in the corridor. “Minhyuk is here?” He hopes he heard wrong, but her sentence makes turns on repeat in his head; he isn’t mistaking. Finding the courage to talk face to face with his troublesome ex gives him enough of a headache to sort things out with a guy who must hate his existence. Yet before he can argue with Jooheon, the latter knocks, lightly titling his head as a “come here.” So Kihyun obeys, approaching the room furtively. All he registers is  
Minhyuk glaring, eyes rolling. _He does hate._

They heard and saw pictures of each other a lot, but never actually met in person. So Kihyun notices his sharp jaw, black thin hair and slim figure. _Even prettier in real life._

“I’ll let you two alone.” the boy says, getting up and leaving the room. He must have exchange a whole conversation with Jooheon only with his eyes, because the two ex-lovebirds don’t move, eyes locked even when they find themselves alone. Besides where Minhyuk previously sat, is Changkyun, sat on the floor with a blank expression on the face, staring at Kihyun. With time (especially when they lived together), he learned his body language, and it meant confusion: he tries to understand the situation. _Why was Yoo Kihyun in his bedroom when he just wanted to play video games with a friend?_

Changkyun puts his game pad between his crossed legs, the character on the small TV a few feet away killed by monsters. A game over shows on the screen and the console makes a superficial sound. Kihyun blinks, looking away. Quaking, his cheeks burst into flames as he simmers. _How uncomfortable._

“Hi I guess?” embarrassed, Kihyun clears his throat.

“How did you- Did you- Did Jooheon bring you here?” the younger stutters, looking up from the floor, back against the bed side.

Kihyun balances his weight on a foot to the other, unable to stand still. “Yeah.”

The heavy silence continues, and Changkyun decides to take his shot. “You didn’t answer to my messages. After the… the call.”

“My phone broke.” That isn’t a lie. “Really.” He still insists, aware of his dishonest behavior lately.

“Hm.” Changkyun lowers his eyes, hunched to hide his fingers in his long sleeves. “You came here to talk I suppose, so sit down.” he pats the empty spot besides him, still not able to look at him in the eyes. Kihyun steps forward slowly, already disliking the moment. They indeed have to talk, he won’t deny it anymore. A good distance separates them once Kihyun is sat against that same bed, tapping his nails on the floor in rhythm to distract himself.

“There’s a bunch of things I didn’t catch yet, to be honest...” Changkyun starts, tone lower as they are closer. “so I’m gonna ask you some questions, one by one...”

Kihyun stays quiet, agreeing. He doesn’t want to talk at all, worried to dig his own grave deeper than it already is.

“Jooheon told me you two never had anything… was it a lie?”

A last time, Kihyun wants to run away, but he knows his friend must have made a big persuasive fuss before taking him out of his house, so it would be a waste of breath.

“No.” It doesn’t mean he will be docile though. “I never saw anyone behind your back. Which is not your case.”

“Here you go again, what are you talking about? Calling me a cheater.” Changkyun’s patience becomes thinner, on the verge of raising his trembling voice.

Kihyun’s fingers soon join that state, shaking. The memories never leave him in peace, torturing him anytime, anytime. “Remember when I would annoy you with these “you’re gonna leave me someday because of my weeping anxious ass”, you would say “it’s bullshit”. And the thing is… I’m always right.”

“If there’s one person who left, it’s you.”

“Don’t you dare use that against me!” Kihyun gets to express his anger first. He can’t bear to hear how calm Changkyun sounds, like their relationship ever was a burden to the older only.

Like he was the only one still in love.

“Then explain me.” Suddenly, Changkyun stares right at him, refusing to let go.

Kihyun frowns as stress eats him alive. His socks seem so much more interesting. “I just wanted to have some space… and you-” he takes a deep breath in and his lips quiver when he exhales. “You left me all alone and turn to Minhyuk instead.”

He feels pathetic. Saying it out loud makes him look like a teenage girl who had her first heartbreak by her unrequited crush in the kinder garden, and he hates it. His pain is _valid_.

“You...” Changkyun mumbles, way quieter than a minute ago. “That wasn’t a break up?”

“No…?!”

“You told me to get out of your life.”

Kihyun opens his eyes wide, a shock crossing his veins: He doesn’t remember. There are times his mind goes blank, which results to him yelling awful things to people he loves. But it never went this far. Changkyun was used to show him he was worth it, kiss him, touch him to places no one else ever had. They saw each other’s body and soul, down to the very last detail. And yet Kihyun told him to get out of his life as soon as pressure and insecurity made him doubt.

A single sentence burns his tongue, so he says it, much like a stutter mess. “I-I’m so sorry.” He finally looks to his right and meets a sight, a side of Changkyun – the only one – he never witnessed. The younger tries to hide his face with a hand, water drops sliding off his eye. Kihyun thought he was stronger than this, but it’s too much for him. He makes a face, a sad pain choking him.

_It hurts._

“I’m sorry...” Kihyun sobs. Useless to hide his feelings now. The wall can collapse. It’s safe.  
3 Months ago, they argued for love instead of comforting themselves. Kihyun didn’t want Changkyun to worry for him night and day. He had trouble with anxiety and was afraid the other had to deal with it as well. Kihyun wanted to push him aside so Changkyun wouldn’t see him struggle with panic attacks for trivial things such as exams. He thought he would be happier.

But his decision brought them to tears.

“You may have saw Minhyuk kissing me since he wasn’t so discrete about it… and that would explain a hell lot of things, but…” Changkyun starts with a voice so shaken that Kihyun hates himself even more. “It was his own way to give me the affection I needed. And his way to know if he was just attracted to boys or only Jooheon had this effect on him as well, but whatever… ”

Kihyun believes him. He’s too mentally exhausted to imagine scenarios where he would suffer. Changkyun is vulnerable and crying for the first time in front of him. An act worthy of a thousand words.

Maybe a tiny part doesn’t match. “You said it was your crush...”

“To make you jealous but you’re too good at hiding your emotions I can’t read you at all.” They giggle through their despair. Kihyun is lighthearted, happy to dissolve this misunderstanding. At the end, Changkyun still loves him, despite being a whining cry baby. The sun appears after the storms.

“I-I don’t know if you want me to call you mine again or if it’s definitely over but please hug me, I feel so bad.” He opens his arms lightly, scared to be rejected.

Kihyun most assuredly goes to him, throwing himself in this warmth bath calling him. He circles his arms around Changkyun’s torso, hiding in the latter’s neck. This odor reassures him instantly and he sobs harder. Emotions fill his lungs, silencing him. In his head, he is almost begging.

_‘Call me yours again.’_

“I’m sorry I hurt you” Changkyun mutters, brokenly. Hands brush Kihyun’s hips, asking him to be the closest possible. His message seems understood when the older sits on his lap, legs around his waist. Clung into him. In a world their relationship don’t make it, they would call each other their daily drug dose. Here, being together makes more good than bad. Kihyun only noticed it very late.

“I should be the one to apologize… I-I’m sorry...”

“Hey,” Changkyun parts away a little to look at him, moving his fringe off his wet eyes. “I already told you to stop crying, you look ugly.”

“It’s not the time to fucking tease!” Kihyun whines, laughing as he hides in his neck again. _If everyday can be like this._

Changkyun grins, but doesn’t get the joke any further. “Hey...”

“What?”

“Be mine again?”

Kihyun pouts at how cheesy it sounds. Who is he to refuse anyway. “Please...”

“Does that mean… we’ll play _the floor is lava_ again?”

Kihyun snorted, giggling as he remembers how much they liked to play this childish game together. They just got back together but acted like they didn’t care. Like today was a normal day of their story. It isn’t that bad, if they want to forget each second they were apart. “We can’t.”

“Why…?” Changkyun whispers, passing his fingers through Kihyun’s hair, patting it to finally getting rid of this cowlick. _Soft._

“Because we already lost.” They lock eyes and laughed to toothy smiles, so wide it hurts. It feels good to come back to this. Kihyun needed Changkyun to take him in his arms to understand how senseless he was acting. In the end, they got months of pain, _and for what?_

“Should we get to the bed?” The younger suggests, kindness resonating through his vocal cords.

_Changkyun is worth any pain._

Kihyun hums. He loves his deep voice and can admit it: he missed it. “We’ll rise from the dead and cuddle?” On top of his head, he can feel Changkyun nod. “Not right now though, don’t wanna move.”

“Okay,” a brief silence settles, during which they tighten their grips, yearning to feel their body heat and just be close like they haven’t been for what felt like forever. “Don’t try to always do well, it’s normal to feel bad or to fail. You’re not a superhuman...”

Kihyun grins, taking his words in their literal meaning. “In my new life, I’m human and I won’t be dumb, I promise.”

“But the human race is naturally dumb...”

He knows Changkyun said that to make him laugh, to cheer him up as a stupid joke. Even though, he can’t resolve himself to do so. “Then… If I make a mistake again, please don’t give up on me...” He stops smiling, nostalgia gripping his core.

But again, Changkyun is here to reassure him with a kiss on the forehead. “Never.” Because they might bring each other down sometimes, but they bring each other up too.

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know if the story really suits the song, but this idea came to me when i read the lyrics. If it doesn't, i still hope you like it hh  
> Follow me on twitter for more stories!


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